"I Believe that everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
~Marylin Monroe~
If you thought this blog was gonna be about relationships. . .its not lol. This is not the place for you to be if you thought that. Yes as fucked up as relationships are there are worse things. . .like LIFE.
Today I had a day to myself to just sit & contemplate where this world was gonna take me. I sat on my roof just. . .thinking. Looking out over all of LA. LA in all of its beauty. Beautiful days. Palm trees. Beaches. I saw LA like I've never seen it before. Its a glorious place to be. . .to live your life.
But. . .I've come to a cross road in my life. Is this really where I wanna be? There's s0o0o0o much out there. Its a whole wide world out there to see. And I'm stuck in this place. In all its madness. I wanna go, leave, explore.
I feel like. . .I'm so young & I've been through s0o0o0o many trials & tribulations. Seen things no one should've. I've made it through my darkest hour. Its time. Its my time. Time for a fresh start. I need CHANGE. It is 2008. Like 2008! I'm going to be 20years old & my life is no where near what I thought it would be. Its like you hit a bump & you keep going. . .right? But. . .how many bumps do you hit before you just. . .stop. Before you give up & say fuck it. I'm done.
I've realized that you can't just sit around & pray. I mean of course you pray about what you need & you pray things get better but you gotta make moves too! You gotta get up & say enough is enough. You make shit happen! You have to look out for you! No one else is gonna do it for you. The only person walking on this earth you can depend on is YOU. Never think people will not disappoint you because they will. It may not be intentional. . .hell it may be intentional but it will happen. To be perfectly honest one day if it ain't already happened you'll disappoint yourself. How fucked up is that?! But its life. You take your lessons & you become a better you.
The point is. . .hell I don't know what the point is for anything. I have no answers. Shit gets hard sometimes. Pick your fucking head up, dry your tears, learn from your mistakes, learn from others mistakes, live your life the way you want to live it. Do what you need to, & do it to the best of your abilities. Don't let something get you so down where you give up.
What's the definition of change?
1. To make the form, nature, content, of something different from what it is or what it would be if left alone.
2. To transform or convert.
Change is a hell of a thing. Its scary. Its big! But its inevitable. You can't hide from it. You can't run. It'll catch you. Accept it. Do it before its too late. One day you'll wake up & wonder where the hell time went. You'll look up & be 35 sitting on your mama's couch watching TV, & eating Cheetos & wondering where time went. Wake up now. While your young! While there still time to breakaway & CHANGE. GROW. LEARN. People say life is short. You could look up & get hit by a bus & your life will be over. . .chances are. . .that won't happen. Don't count on it. Don't get so wrapped up in your past & present that you forget there's a whole FUTURE ahead of you. Stop walking around with your heads up your asses, eyes shut to the world around you, like your invincible to hurt, pain, & failure. Your NOT. Open your eyes & make shit happen!
I'm in need of some serious change. I've decided i'ma say fuck it & throw niggas the deuces! I'ma make something of the shambles my life is in. Because if I sat back & thought someone else was gonna do it for me nothing would ever get done. If you push through the pain, there's gonna be a brighter day waiting for you on the other side. That's a promise. My bags are packed. My flights been booked. So what are you waiting for?
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Pour Toutes Mes Dames
Here's to all those who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute.
Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for a while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us.
Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated.
Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great ones, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if".This is for the ones that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex friend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. This is for us, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time."
Here's to the ones who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again.We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that.
Here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a shit about them. Here's for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here's for us who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the HELL he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to.One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt like hell, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.This is for those ones, who fell back in love with their ex, only to get hurt all over again.
Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for a while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us.
Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated.
Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great ones, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if".This is for the ones that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex friend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. This is for us, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time."
Here's to the ones who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again.We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that.
Here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a shit about them. Here's for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here's for us who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the HELL he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to.One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt like hell, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.This is for those ones, who fell back in love with their ex, only to get hurt all over again.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Aujourd'hui est mon jour
today is finally my day.
as hard as it has been these past few months i've decided today is the day i let everything go.
last nite & today i've been extremely angry. i've never been this way ever & its not who i want to be.
i dont want anyone to control my emotions but me & i've been allowing someone else to have contorl for entirely too long.
i am no longer going to dwell on the fact that someone wronged me, or the fact that i allowed them to tear my life apart from one end to the other.
i'm not going to concern myself with the fact that no matter how hard i try i can not rid myself of the love i have for this person. no matter how much hate grows for them at the same time in the heart in the same breathe that i say i love him i hate him.
but today that is not where i am anymore.
why think about the past when i have such a bright future staring me in the face.
if im all caught up with what happened then i will never be able to experience whats going on now!
i feel like that Danity Kane song "poetry"
its a lyric that says "i missed you til you almost took my sanity"
fuck almost my sanity was gone. but its back now lol.
& i am soo happy.
as im sitting here writing this it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.
like i feel good right now & i am completely sober lol.
i feel like my smiles are finally genuine.
i never want anyone to like be able to steal my joy from me ever again!
me & my friends have made a decision that we will never speak of this person again lol.
if we run into one another on the streets nigga look the other way cause ima definately be avoiding you!
this is a memory i never want to return to!
im on some Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind type shit.
if youve never seen the movie you need to! asap!
cuz im sure its some people out there you just wish you could never remember again!
just wake up & they never exsisted in your world.
too bad life will never be so perfect. . .
as hard as it has been these past few months i've decided today is the day i let everything go.
last nite & today i've been extremely angry. i've never been this way ever & its not who i want to be.
i dont want anyone to control my emotions but me & i've been allowing someone else to have contorl for entirely too long.
i am no longer going to dwell on the fact that someone wronged me, or the fact that i allowed them to tear my life apart from one end to the other.
i'm not going to concern myself with the fact that no matter how hard i try i can not rid myself of the love i have for this person. no matter how much hate grows for them at the same time in the heart in the same breathe that i say i love him i hate him.
but today that is not where i am anymore.
why think about the past when i have such a bright future staring me in the face.
if im all caught up with what happened then i will never be able to experience whats going on now!
i feel like that Danity Kane song "poetry"
its a lyric that says "i missed you til you almost took my sanity"
fuck almost my sanity was gone. but its back now lol.
& i am soo happy.
as im sitting here writing this it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.
like i feel good right now & i am completely sober lol.
i feel like my smiles are finally genuine.
i never want anyone to like be able to steal my joy from me ever again!
me & my friends have made a decision that we will never speak of this person again lol.
if we run into one another on the streets nigga look the other way cause ima definately be avoiding you!
this is a memory i never want to return to!
im on some Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind type shit.
if youve never seen the movie you need to! asap!
cuz im sure its some people out there you just wish you could never remember again!
just wake up & they never exsisted in your world.
too bad life will never be so perfect. . .
Thursday, April 10, 2008
my day.
i am so beyond sad right now. my necklace is gone. i dont know where it is. and im not like sad just cuz it was a necklace like it meant alot to me. its a long story but it did. & now its gone. i have never misplaced that necklace i hardly ever take it off & i just can not find it to save my life. and all i can do is be sad & cry like that really did ruin my day i have to find it.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Bonjour!
as my first blog i didn't really want it to be heavy but right now my life is just kinda heavy. i mean i just didn't think everything would go bad all at once. especially my boyfriend situation. that was like the only right thing.
after we broke up i realized that I've never really loved anyone like i loved him. i had actually loved him unconditionally. there was nothing he could do that would make me not want to be with him. he lied. he cheated. he hurt me in ways i didn't know i could hurt. yet i still love him. is that crazy?
to love someone past all that, to miss someone even though you know they're not whats best for you.
i guess that's what unconditional love is though. to love someone past all their wrongs, past their faults & flaws. . .to love someone even though they probably don't love you. sometimes i think I'm crazy for loving someone who after 8 months it turns out i probably don't even know the real them. but i love who i knew. i love who he was. even past all the bad i always see the good times. the times where we'd lay in bed and just be. the times where we'd laugh & talk & confide in one another the secrets we couldn't tell anyone else. the times where he'd hold me when i was hurt & tell me everything was going to be okay.
i just don't understand how one day someone could be your everything & the next day your nothing to them. the day i met him i fell in love. he was my world. i couldn't see myself with anyone else.
I've loved before but this. . .this was different. I've never done for anyone the way i did for him. I've never gave my last anything to anyone. but him he always always came first. i sacrificed & gave up so much for him.
i just never thought I'd love someone like this. i never thought when i did love someone like this it'd be taken for granted & i wouldn't be with that person.
i never knew the love i gave to others wasn't unconditional til i met him.
i don't know if I'll ever love someone like this again.
it sux when someone else can come in & ruin something beautiful & pure for someone else. . .cuz honestly now. . .my love is tainted.
after we broke up i realized that I've never really loved anyone like i loved him. i had actually loved him unconditionally. there was nothing he could do that would make me not want to be with him. he lied. he cheated. he hurt me in ways i didn't know i could hurt. yet i still love him. is that crazy?
to love someone past all that, to miss someone even though you know they're not whats best for you.
i guess that's what unconditional love is though. to love someone past all their wrongs, past their faults & flaws. . .to love someone even though they probably don't love you. sometimes i think I'm crazy for loving someone who after 8 months it turns out i probably don't even know the real them. but i love who i knew. i love who he was. even past all the bad i always see the good times. the times where we'd lay in bed and just be. the times where we'd laugh & talk & confide in one another the secrets we couldn't tell anyone else. the times where he'd hold me when i was hurt & tell me everything was going to be okay.
i just don't understand how one day someone could be your everything & the next day your nothing to them. the day i met him i fell in love. he was my world. i couldn't see myself with anyone else.
I've loved before but this. . .this was different. I've never done for anyone the way i did for him. I've never gave my last anything to anyone. but him he always always came first. i sacrificed & gave up so much for him.
i just never thought I'd love someone like this. i never thought when i did love someone like this it'd be taken for granted & i wouldn't be with that person.
i never knew the love i gave to others wasn't unconditional til i met him.
i don't know if I'll ever love someone like this again.
it sux when someone else can come in & ruin something beautiful & pure for someone else. . .cuz honestly now. . .my love is tainted.
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